Recently, I've been struggling to find a consistent form of motivation and confidence. This has been something that I've been thinking about for the past month and I feel I should spill it all out somewhere. I am very bad at articulating my thoughts and so I apologize if this blog is in anyway incomprehensible or difficult to understand. I also deeply apologize if there are any typos. I have severe dyslexia, which makes it harder for me to identify small errors in my own writings. I am also a firm believer of the idea that if you let all of your feelings out, they become easier to understand. So, that is what I am doing here.
There are a lot of thing I want to do. I want to draw. I want to animate. I want to sing, dance, write, sew, cosplay, workout, code, etc... I have a long list of hobbies I want to spend time investing into. However, It has gotten to a point where I feel I have too many ambitions and too many goals. This is one of the things that I feel has crushed my motivation. There are so many goals, that I feel I may never be able to achieve any of them. It's like if 10 people were talking to you at the same time, you probably wouldn't be able to understand a single thing any of them were saying.
In turn, it has crushed my confidence as well. I feel bad when I think I can not excel at the things I'm interested in. It makes me feel as though I can't achieve anything. Part of this is envy. I realized recently that I am surrounded by very talented people and when I look within myself and ask myself what I'M good at... I can't find anything. A lot of the people I know and talk to are artists and animators of some kind and I find myself wishing I could be more like them. I've been beating myself up a lot about this. I feel it's tanked my mood for the past few months actually.
I'm sure many people can relate, but I spend a lot of time observing the lives of those who are the same age as me. I see how talented and successful they are. They have people who look up to them and they have people who praise them for their talent and work. I wish I had that as well... But I try not to let fame and praise be my motivation. I could spend years and years getting better at art or makeup..only to get a fraction of the attention other people get daily. I think this has a lot to do with my fondness for praise. I like being told that I'm doing a good job...even if it is with mundane tasks like washing dishes or finishing homework.
Another major part is just general confidence in myself. I've never been the nicest to myself. In fact, there's not a single human on earth that I hate more than myself. Therefore, this hatred extends to the things I create. This hinders my ability to make progress on newer hobbies... I recently just started drawing more often and I am completely new to art. I barely know how to shade or highlight....or even draw a perfect oval. I am like a newborn baby when to comes to art. Every sketch a produce, I typically dislike. It's gotten to a point where every time I draw anything, I eventually delete it... Which is really bad. I find it hard to look back on old projects.. Every time I look at old art, edits, writings, etc.. It's like a gag in disgust. I can't even use it to reflect and improve because I can't stomach looking at them long enough to make note of any improvements.
I am deathly afraid of failure. I dislike when things do not come out the way I want them to. However, I am aware that they are not supposed to. I am a beginner artist, so of course my sketches look awful... But I can not apply this. Actually, I recently had a drawing session with a very close friend of mine and as I made small progress on the drawing, I documented everything by sending a picture of almost every addition to my sketch. However, it got to a point where I stopped myself and I started having really strong feelings of self doubt...and a lick of embarrassment. I do not like allowing people to see me at my absolute worst but I feel like me not being good at something IS my absolute worst..?
I feel I'll never be able to love myself or my work enough to post anything.. or enough to progress and that scares me. I want to get better and I want to create things but I feel I am in a constant loop and I can not crawl out. I feel like I now have to live up to expectations that I fear I'll never be able to achieve. I don't know IF or WHEN I'll become an artist, a singer, a designer, a sprite animator, or even pretty. It will be a long process... and I feel horrible about that. I may not have anything to show for a very long time and I feel guilty for that. I will continue to work on myself and my skills however I can and hope that one day, I'll be the person I want to be.
I feel whenever I share my plans with people.. I give them high expectations. I am not a very...talented person and so I don't like getting people's hopes high. I try my best all the time and every day. But I can not promise anything extraordinary or impressive. With all that being said... I will close this blog post. I promise, this will be the last depressing blog...for a while, hopefully. My next blog will probably be about online crushes (In a positive light, of course. Trying to be more positive.) I sincerely apologize for having the first update blog since like... January (?) be one with a very sad tone. I promise I'll make the next one really cute and funny to compensate. Anyways, Goodbye :3
-ashley