Thoughts.

     Recently, I some close friends of my mother visited our home. They started chatting about the recent election results and what will come from them. It made me realize just how helpless and hopeless people are. I fear that we will make zero progress over the next couple of centuries. It hurts to say but there's no direction. Everyone is filled with soo much hatred. How can you be a minority and think giving the oppressor permission to dehumanize a demographic of your minority simple because they are gay? That is sooo hateful and self centered. 

     It makes me wonder why there are people in this world that are okay with the suffering of some if it means the happiness of their own. How could we allow such behavior to exist on earth? How are we soo okay with being hateful and violent towards out fellow humans? They aren't doing anything wrong. People direct their hate towards groups of people who have never dine anything wrong and take their attention away from those who actively hurt others. There's so much talk against LGBT rights but zero efforts to stop pedophiles and rapists from wiggling their way into schools, churches, hospitals, etc... 

    I am so sad and disappointed with the world we live in. We live on such a beautiful planet. Surrounding by constant life. But we take the opportunity to hate. You are blessed with life and you use it to hate others and advocate for the dehumanization and destruction of those beneath you. You punch down at every opportunity. You turn your back towards those who need your help most. You are selfish and self serving. Most do not care for anyone besides themselves. These are the people we must share such a beautiful planet with. Monster and Traitors. Those who stand by and allow said acts to take place are just as monstrous.

    What makes me most upset is the fact that there is nothing I can do. I cannot change the world. I cannot convert those who submit to hatred away from it. I cannot convince them to love others and be sensitive and kinds to others. People are just easily swayed into hatred and destruction. I suppose hating is easier than loving. I can't do anything. There's nothing I can do. I try to help but it seems everything I do is futile. Maybe I am just bad at giving advice.. or perhaps I am simply just naive. Maybe I love too much. Maybe I am too caring. Maybe I have too much faith in others. Maybe my aversion towards selfishness is a bad thing... I care for others so much that it hurts me. I spent all 21 years of my life caring for others and putting others before me. 

    It made me happy to care unconditionally about others. I had no incentive for my love and care. I loved everyone.. even those who have wronged me several times. I have hung onto people who have wronged me. I give many several chances because in my heart.. I felt that maybe they just needed to be heard. Everytime I've ever been mistreated, I saw it as a cry for help of some kind. I knew that most people don't act this way. Most people aren't abusive. People learn these mannerism through others... and most abusers become abusers because they were abused or they grew up watching an abuser. I used to have a partner who would be emotionally and verbally abusive to me. He had been in and out of adoption centers and whenever he would be adopted, his foster parents would harm him. 

    I knew that his behavior was a result of that. Despite the constant abuse I would suffer at the hands of him, I felt that maybe... just maybe... I could lend him my ear and support... and that would make him feel better. I felt that perhaps he just needed unconditional love and support. But, of course, this never helped. You see, some people cannot be helped and despite me acknowledging this... I still have struggles understanding this to this day... I always enjoyed helping others and making others comfortable and happy even if it meant that I had to suffer. I never really got this treatment in return.. but that never mattered to me... because I just wanted to help. 

    As time goes on, though. This starts to take a toll. Going years and years helping others but never receiving help hurts. Though, I try not to isolate myself. Sometimes, i can not help it. Throughout my life I've built a fear of others. I am scared of other people. I have seen what humans are capable of. How violent they can be. How hateful they can be.. How evil, cold, and uncaring they can be... It's scary. This conversation between my mother and her friends, reminded me of how hateful people can be. How complacent some are in the face of others' suffering. They'd rather stand by and watch others be dehumanized and attacked... then be brave and help. They are afraid of being rejected. They listen to their friends talk about how gay people do not deserve rights... how women do not deserve rights... how racism is okay... but they never speak up against them... because they are scared of rejection.. scared of "losing connections"... cowards.

    Nothing of value is lost when you put a racist down. Nothing of value is lost when a misogynist decides to stop being your friend because God forbid you think women should be treated like human beings with thoughts, feelings, and desires. Nothing of value is lost because you lost a friend due to them believing that gay people deserve to be treated like subhumans. I do not understand the fear. I care more about the lives of innocents than I do about preserving a friendship built on hatred. I do not tolerate hatred. I will not shake hands with those who dedicate their lives to hating others. They are evil and monstrous people who are not deserving of my attention or compassion.

    All of this makes me feel so hopeless. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help. I don't know if I can help. I'm not even sure if change is possible... I will still show kindness to others and try my best. But I am not sure if we will ever make any progress in this world. So many people are being lead down the path of hatred and many can't be convinced otherwise. I feel very sorry for them. All I can do, is continue to love and care for other unconditionally and hope that the world will become slightly more loving. But there's a slim chance of that happening...

  

 

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Motivation and Confidence..

 Recently, I've been struggling to find a consistent form of motivation and confidence. This has been something that I've been thinking about for the past month and I feel I should spill it all out somewhere. I am very bad at articulating my thoughts and so I apologize if this blog is in anyway incomprehensible or difficult to understand. I also deeply apologize if there are any typos. I have severe dyslexia, which makes it harder for me to identify small errors in my own writings. I am also a firm believer of the idea that if you let all of your feelings out, they become easier to understand. So, that is what I am doing here. 

    There are a lot of thing I want to do. I want to draw. I want to animate. I want to sing, dance, write, sew, cosplay, workout, code, etc... I have a long list of hobbies I want to spend time investing into. However, It has gotten to a point where I feel I have too many ambitions and too many goals. This is one of the things that I feel has crushed my motivation. There are so many goals, that I feel I may never be able to achieve any of them. It's like if 10 people were talking to you at the same time, you probably wouldn't be able to understand a single thing any of them were saying. 

    In turn, it has crushed my confidence as well. I feel bad when I think I can not excel at the things I'm interested in. It makes me feel as though I can't achieve anything. Part of this is envy. I realized recently that I am surrounded by very talented people and when I look within myself and ask myself what I'M good at... I can't find anything. A lot of the people I know and talk to are artists and animators of some kind and I find myself wishing I could be more like them. I've been beating myself up a lot about this. I feel it's tanked my mood for the past few months actually. 

    I'm sure many people can relate, but I spend a lot of time observing the lives of those who are the same age as me. I see how talented and successful they are. They have people who look up to them and they have people who praise them for their talent and work. I wish I had that as well... But I try not to let fame and praise be my motivation. I could spend years and years getting better at art or makeup..only to get a fraction of the attention other people get daily. I think this has a lot to do with my fondness for praise. I like being told that I'm doing a good job...even if it is with mundane tasks like washing dishes or finishing homework. 

    Another major part is just general confidence in myself. I've never been the nicest to myself. In fact, there's not a single human on earth that I hate more than myself. Therefore, this hatred extends to the things I create. This hinders my ability to make progress on newer hobbies... I recently just started drawing more often and I am completely new to art. I barely know how to shade or highlight....or even draw a perfect oval. I am like a newborn baby when to comes to art. Every sketch a produce, I typically dislike. It's gotten to a point where every time I draw anything, I eventually delete it... Which is really bad. I find it hard to look back on old projects.. Every time I look at old art, edits, writings, etc.. It's like a gag in disgust. I can't even use it to reflect and improve because I can't stomach looking at them long enough to make note of any improvements.

    I am deathly afraid of failure. I dislike when things do not come out the way I want them to. However, I am aware that they are not supposed to. I am a beginner artist, so of course my sketches look awful... But I can not apply this. Actually, I recently had a drawing session with a very close friend of mine and as I made small progress on the drawing, I documented everything by sending a picture of almost every addition to my sketch. However, it got to a point where I stopped myself and I started having really strong feelings of self doubt...and a lick of embarrassment. I do not like allowing people to see me at my absolute worst but I feel like me not being good at something IS my absolute worst..? 

      I feel I'll never be able to love myself or my work enough to post anything.. or enough to progress and that scares me. I want to get better and I want to create things but I feel I am in a constant loop and I can not crawl out. I feel like I now have to live up to expectations that I fear I'll never be able to achieve. I don't know IF or WHEN I'll become an artist, a singer, a designer, a sprite animator, or even pretty. It will be a long process... and I feel horrible about that. I may not have anything to show for a very long time and I feel guilty for that. I will continue to work on myself and my skills however I can and hope that one day, I'll be the person I want to be. 

     I feel whenever I share my plans with people.. I give them high expectations. I am not a very...talented person and so I don't like getting people's hopes high. I try my best all the time and every day. But I can not promise anything extraordinary or impressive. With all that being said... I will close this blog post. I promise, this will be the last depressing blog...for a while, hopefully. My next blog will probably be about online crushes (In a positive light, of course. Trying to be more positive.)  I sincerely apologize for having the first update blog since like... January (?) be one with a very sad tone. I promise I'll make the next one really cute and funny to compensate. Anyways, Goodbye :3

-ashley

 

 

 

 

Why are ppl sooo mean nowadays..?

___〆(・∀・)
- hellooo it's meee ashlley! and umm... i guess this blog will just be about how i dislike mean ppl lol

In the past couple of years i noticed that there is just a huge influx of like... really mean people. it's as if being mean is seen as some kind of trend or something that people deem funny or cool. people often seek out those who they deem "weird" and assign them "person of the month" to hate and make fun of all the time. i think people are just soooo obsessed with getting the "perfect" gotcha on someone so they can screenshot it and tell the internet how much they "totally pwned!1!" some rando on the web.(￣ω￣;) i think its such loser behavior and i have no clue why we normalized this kind of shit.

It's especially sinister and gross when the internet picks a random autistic person to bully and harass for several weeks simply because they have interests or mannerisms that are "unusual" by their standards. or even worse, when they choose a random child to dunk on for months at a time. i never understood the hatred for kids being kids online. everytime there's a viral video of a kid having fun and being a little cringe there will always be thousands and thousands of comments making fun of them and saying horrible things like "muhh we shuld bring bak bullyinnnggg hurr duur" (￣_￣)・・・like huh? how much of a loser do you have to be to say that a child..expressing pure happiness and joy for something they like makes them deserving of being harshly ridiculed..

Not only that, i realized this comes to adults too. i think a lot of people have this idea that adults are supposed to be miserable people who cannot laugh or have fun or be silly. a video of an adult woman goes viral and shes just being silly and enjoying life and everyone in the comments will be sooooo annoying and miserable about it.... saying things like "ughhh shouldnt u be doing ur taxes." or "lol at ur big ageee lolll" like omg shut uppppppp!ヽ( `д´*)ノ people are just sooo miserable and mean. these people are sooooo unsatisfied with their pathetic boring unhappy lives that they feel they MUST drag others down with them and make this sad too... its sick!

I always try to be positive and happy and in turn, make sure others are happy too.. i dont know why people are so anti-kindness and anti-fun.. people HATE fun and they HATE when people are happy. it's really sad... just how angry people get when others are being kind too..(｡╯︵╰｡) there's so many tweets on that damn silly bird app of people saying "um maybe being nice and kind and considerate of others' feelings is actually cool and should be encouraged." and a bunch of mean heartless goblins will shit up the quote retweets and comment sections with posts like "ughhh yall just need to be less sensitive..", "maybe ppl should grow thicker skin" or "nobody owes anyone kindness." blah blah blah all i'm hearing is ">:((( ima  heartless loser who gets off to other people's misery because how fucking DARE someone be happy and content with their lives when IM not happy or content with mine?!? HMPH! (＃`Д´)"  

 It costs zero dollars, pesos, yen, krone, euros, rupees, etc... to just be kind, understanding, considerate, and patient with others. it doesn't hurt to just be kind. a lot of people have a "well if no one (one person they bumped into while ordering a sandwich at subway (￢_￢;) ) is nice to me then why should i be nice to anyone?" or "grrr humans are disgusting creatures they deserve NOTHING" (ouchh the edge..) the one not so nice response you received from one stranger should not be the reasoning behind your refusal to treat others as human being with feelings and emotions. every person you meet whether in person or online is a human being with thoughts, feelings, emotions, ambitions, goals, etc... treat them as if they are another you. (⇀‸↼‶)

I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate someone bumping into you and not saying "im sorry" or "excuse me" when they do. you wouldn't appreciate someone refusing to say thank you when you worked hard for them or went out of your way to do something for them. you wouldn't like it if someone told you that you looked ugly, smelled bad, sound annoying, etc.. so why do you think that it is appropriate to do or say these things to others? (＠_＠) when you are mean and rude to others it speaks very loudly about your own character and life. only those who truly hate themselves and their own lives would go out of their way to be rude and distasteful to others. people who are good...and live fulfilling and genuine lives full of love and care.. it is obvious. you can see it in them. how they treat others, how they talk, how they go through life. 

Treat others the way you wish to be treated. don't be that one guy everyone hates and excludes because they're are hugggeeee buzzkill who makes people feel bad for having fun and dancing. people go to clubs with their friends and laugh and make fun of them for dancing on the dance flooor...can you believe that? people being laughed at for dancing..at a club..?  (-_-;)・・・

how silly.. ( ´ ∀ ` )

- ashley

happy doll'oween!!

 hello everynyan!! happy halloween! i'm a little sad today because i didn't get to do much for halloween and i really wish i could have. it is just wayy too cold outside.. i kinda predicted this though. in fact earlier this year i hoped that it wouldn't be this cold outside on halloween day but unfortunately, it feels like a winter night out there! :( but that is okay. there is always a next time ^~^ anyways.. i have a huge math exam tomorrow and im really nervous.. math isnt really my strong suit and i've done pretty average in math ever since i was a kid.. i kinda just hope that i can get a least a B or higher. college is really hard.. well at least for math. all my other classes couldn't be any more easier.. not that im complaining about having easy classes... this is the best outcome. as for my math exam.. i will do my absolute best and try as hard as i can. in this world the only thing you can really give is your absolute best and if you try hard and you fall short or things dont really turn out that great.. that is okay. because at least you gave it your all and that is all that matters <3 ciao

 

~ ashley

test blog

This is my first post on this blog so might as well make it a weird test blog I'll probably end up deleting later... anyway.. Take these old pictures I took of a nearby park on a really foggy day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 ~ ashley