As the year comes to a close soon, I wonder if I spent my time well. I told myself that I would do sooo much during the summer, fall, and early winter... but tbh, I hardly did any of it. I tried to find a reasoning as to why I just didn't feel the energy to do anything. Perhaps it was my diet, my environment, the stress, any many other things... all kinda stacked on top of each other. I think all of this really had an effect on me. I could barely do anything and honestly, I felt that I lost interest in the things that I was so interested in prior. It's like I got bored with everything that would typically entertain me.
I feel kinda awful for it. For wasting away for several months. I genuinely have no excuse for it. I can't even explain why.. because I don't know why. But despite all of that, there was still a lot of positive things that happened this year.... i got the clothes I wanted, I got cool figurines, i managed to get my funds handled, i got to talk to old friends, so on and so forth... so it's not all doom and gloom. I guess I'm just disappointed in myself. I'm upset with myself because I could have made this year greater for myself. But i didn't and i don't even know why. I don't know why doing things is so hard for me.
But then I kinda realized I wasted so much time doom scrolling that by the time I stopped scrolling for the day.... most of the day had already passed.......... my social media use is killing me.
Social media has become a poison for me. It's extremely boring and It's like misery central. I go on there and immediately, I'm hit with something awful. I can't even escape the awfulness. It's everywhere and damn near unavoidable. Social media makes me feel miserable. And despite all this, I constantly return..... I think it is about time I quit most of them. It's always hard to quit things that you've basically gotten addicted to. It's extremely embarrassing to think about, but I used to be addicted to Pony Town. Despite how boring the game was... and how much I hated it.... I couldn't stop going onto the site. It made me want to like.. explode. It was awful. And I kept asking myself... why?? Why do we keep returning here when we don't even like this game anymore...? I had no answer ofc ^v^. I was just being dumb.
Eventually, I had to pretty much cut myself off... cold turkey... and it was genuinely difficult. Ofc... I wasn't having withdrawals like more serious addictions.. but I did find myself trying to convince myself to return because, "what if something genuinely funny and exciting is happening this time?" but there was never anything there for me to see. I had used the same argument to justify returning over and over again the last few times and I eventually caught myself and told myself that there was literally nothing to see... no one to talk to.. nothing more to do here. So what am I really missing out on?
I think the same thing occurs with social media.. I tell myself to quit in order to better my life, I convince myself that I'll miss out on so much if I quit, I abandon my attempts to quit, cycles continues. But... I genuinely need to stop. The content I always see online is making me miserable. I have even caught myself adopting harmful ideas because I was being fed a certain kind of content so frequently, it made me feel a certain way and thus respond with hatred. My social media use has slowly turned me into someone I am not. This is very frightening to me. I wholeheartedly believe that the reason why we are more divided and isolated than ever before is because of social media and the content we consume...
Everything is made to divide us and make us fight one another... Everything is curated to make us have this "Us vs Them" kind of mentality. It's very easy to adopt certain mindsets when you are stuck in violent echo chambers. The alt-right pipeline isn't the only pipeline in which people are lead to violence. It's how everyone is always one extreme or another. You're either with us or against us. I realized this is in a lot of the political movements I showed interest in. There was always so many extremes.. and never enough nuance and understanding that, things aren't ALWAYS absolute. Thinking in absolutes and extremes all the time is extremely dangerous.... and I know that from experience.
Being isolated from an internet filled with nothing but misery and negativity sounds like a dream to me. Even websites like pinterest has ruined something for me. I think, as of right now, the only websites I wanna use are bluesky and tumblr... and ofc this site because my blogs will be here ^v^. But I suppose that could be my New Years Resolution. Starting a slow journey away from the internet and significantly lowering my social media use... Eventually. I also really wanna delete my twitter account one day. I think the fact that even thinking about eliminating social media from my life just gives me this massive wave of peace and relief... it just shows that it's time I start cracking down...
I also need to draw.. I suck at drawing but I also suck at practicing. I can't make any promises ofc....... I also need to stop cursing... it's unladylike and I kinda miss when I was able to speak and express myself without swearing. anyway... blog over.. bai bai
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